The Mission

Good evening assholes and assholettes whom i respect, i am writing this while drooling so intensely with sarcasm a bucket is overflowing. It has been a while since anything was posted here, i hope reading blogs of  other attention seekers on the internet helped you through these tough and barren times. One thing worthy of a mention is that  Roax started his 68th spell as a part-time worker yesterday and ended it on the same day, turned out the job required him to actually do things and he couldn't handle it.

A bucket of sarcasm.

For the past 2 months, we have been in Zhenxunalia, a small remote nation in the Northernmost point of the Earth. We were actually personally summoned by the king of Zhenxunalia, Mohammad Zenzen al-Xunni to a rescue mission.

King Mohammad Zenzen al-Xunni with his phone while shopping for towels to clean his ass.

We were not told precisely what we were rescuing, until we met the king face-to-face, it was obvious that we were going to rescue his brain. We came to that particular conclusion after we found out that of all the king's 25 wives, 4 of them were goats and the others were inanimate objects or plants. He also practises photosynthesis once in a while thinking it can save bread money.

Wedding portrait of the king and a tree 35 years ago.

A more intimate wedding photo.

There was no way we could have found something that never existed, and we were going to be executed had we fail the mission, so we just tricked him into thinking Z. Hensun (male), our donkey had a thing for him and it was all because of his low intellect. We then offered him our donkey's hooves in inter-species gay marriage and it was accepted, it was the most joyous moment in all our lives.

We then murdered the king and took Z. Hensun back, next in line for the throne was his brother, the mentally challenged Joey. 

Joey, not willing to have his appearance exposed.

Vacancies

Attention jobless hobos out there, Roax recently returned from a missionary trip to Baconland, the non-fabricated nation east of Tahiti. Needless to say, he gained 30 pounds in 5 days and broke most of our chairs. One of them was the one once sat on by Abraham Lincoln while trimming his toenails we got from an auction.

Abe Lincoln buying Tootsie Rolls at Walmart.

As members of high society, we are offering jobs for the people as it is our duty to improve the nation. We are offering you the chance to earn a living as a chair. All you have to do during work hours which is from 11 a.m-1:30 a.m. is to support your body weight with all four limbs and not move an inch at a specific place.

This could be your ideal career.

Benefit

Instead of sleeping on a park bench every night, why not get your daily dose of zzz's on the Yule Marble floor tiles imported from Colorado at our summer beach house? It's not much more comfortable, in fact it might even be tougher to sleep on but if you're gonna sleep on spine breaking materials you might as well sleep on one that makes you look cool. And we offer bacon and lots of money.

Yule Marble. Costs more than you and your family combined.

Work your way up the Seat Career Ladder. Start off as a shoe polishing stool, if you stay still enough, get promoted to a dining chair and eventually to our sofa or recliner. Training camps will be held every 2 months to enhance your skill and dedication as a modern day chair person.

Interview is to be held tomorrow (29/9/2013) at our summer beach house. The only qualification is that you still have a functioning spine. 

Roax and Rolex's summer beach house address:

 8765, Hot Volcano Rd,
Fiery Heat Boulevard, 

Crater 87,

Mars.

An Ugly Discovery

No time for greetings, today we announce to the world that we have made a discovery so big and significant, even the President of Unicornia has to listen to us. We have found an alien in one of our oversized mansions, and no it is not an Indonesian we found. The creature, presumably from outer space made threatening faces to one of our security cameras, with evil intentions written all over its horrible putrid face. This grotesque monster can put the predators to shame and make banshees look like supermodels. We will reveal the photos towards the end of the post to give you a chance of backing off.

Warning: Photos not meant for the faint-hearted.

After our initial discovery, we set up more security cameras on our home and set traps every night to catch this elusive extraterrestrial life form. To our amazement we found out that there are two or more of the revolting creatures making a shelter out of our glamourous home.

We, as celebrities are obviously too important to be risking our lives trying to hunt down these potentially dangerous things, so we are recruiting anyone of less importance (You) to join our KUCOORARM (Keep Ugly Creatures Out of Roax and Rolex's Mansion) movement. To join, simply post a tweet tagging our Twitter account https://twitter.com/RoFever followed by a  hashtag #KUCOORARM.

And now we reveal our shocking evidence that extraterrestrial life exists and they like to take selcas.

Unknown being #1, we'll call him "Z".
Notice the intimidating black pointy structure on
 its head, presumably for self defence. After thorough interpretation, we
deduce that the being is trying to melt our retinas and render our eyes
useless with such a badly taken portrait, and once we lose our sense of
sight, they pounce. 

A blurred image of "Z" caught on camera.
From the eye position and structure, we conclude that this species
is extremely ugly.

"Z" resting in its habitat.
We managed to locate "Z"'s habitat in
our basement. Notice the lack of abs
and any significant muscular structure
on display. From the flabby abdomen, we
are relieve to say the creature is no
Superman-esque being.

Horror in the mansion!
A horrified Roax discovers through
one of our security cameras an accomplice of
"Z". Labelled "Abomination FAT", we were left
disgusted by the discovery of this image,
possibly the most revolting thing since vegetables.
We suspect creature in question is of vain and
arrogant nature with that gigantic head.
We also believe creature to be of low intelligence
with unclosable mouth.

Judging from the creatures' hideous facial features and lack of intelligence. We are 78% sure the aliens came
from the planet Ugleeplanetolia of galaxy Fatacheenosa VI.

Weekly Update 20/9/2013

Good morrow our pitiful yet obedient followers, we're updating one day earlier this week as we figured we shouldn't be bothered entertaining you during the weekends, we need a break from being fabulous too you know. Just ask any of the Kardashians, the family that inspired us to get famous by doing absolutely nothing.

In fact i've already decided to name my child be it boy or girl 72.0000° N, 40.0000° W, the coordinates of Greenland in honour of my heroine Kim's daughter, North.

Kim "Compass Mom" Kardashian

Putting the future aside, during one of our voyages downtown, we were intrigued by what all the common folks were doing. After consulting bodyguard #674, we understood the concept of a "job" or "working". Turns out people do things for other people and in return, gets a pathetic sum of money not even enough for us to clean Z. Hensun's ass for 2 days, he shits a lot.

Roax then suggested a mischievous idea that we get a "job" just to "know how it feels like", i was skeptical but went ahead with it. I landed myself a job as a "supermarket checkout cashier", it would take some kind of wizard to know what that is. I had to stand behind a machine that contains a measly sum of money for 8 hours and scan products brought forward by various people before collecting money from them in exchange for the products. It was all going well until a primitive commoner came forward, he was purchasing a 12 pack toilet paper that wasn't even encrusted with sapphires. In fact, they cost only 2.95, not even enough to buy 1 slave for our spice garden, so it was in my instinct to insult his mother since he was undervaluing his defecating mechanism with cheap toilet paper and i also punched him 6-7 times in the crotch. What happened next was outrageous, the security guards were coming after me and i had to send in my private army from Russia to bombard the area, to make sure nobody else gets their hands on cheap toilet papers again.

Where is humanity heading, when a famous celebrity can't insult and assault a pathetic lowlife who does not appreciate what his buttocks do for him? The future looks bleak.

Pray for humanity.

Ending on a more positive note, Roax is officially a record breaker. During his short tenure as something called a "CEO" of a company named after a fruit, he bankrupted it in a record time of 42 minutes and 24 seconds. When asked to share his secret, he revealed that he spent all the company's money investing in pies of various flavours, raspberry pies, chicken pot pies and apple pies just to name a few.

Weekly Update 14/9/13

   Dear revolting readers, after some light thinking that lasted one and a half minute, we have decided to keep the prizes we promised to hand out in our special giveaway. This particular decision was made based on 2 reasons we're sure you'll find valid and reasonable.

Reason No.1: We have an image to maintain and can't just give away our stuff to mere commoners. 

Reason No.2: Your lower/middle class eyes are not worthy of looking at our face. 

   To make up for this perfectly understandable blunder, we present you with the image of someone else in our place laughing at your complete joke of a life.

The Dalai Lama laughs at your feeble attempts to live life.

  Moving on to more interesting details of our glamourous lives for the past few days. Roax has been working hard to overcome his illiteracy so he can finally start posting something here, he is getting all the help he needs from Z. Hensun III, the magical writing ass. To clarify things, the reason Roax can't read and write is because we never went to school. This is why.

Joey and his purse.

  We have a family friend that we will simply label "Joey" who attends a public school and is apparently the proud owner of a purse. It's fine for Joey to have a purse of course if he was a woman, but we're talking about a hairy 300 pound male Joey who takes pride in gaining weight. We don't like making assumptions, but from the above screenshot of our very private conversation, we conclude that either school never taught Joey what is a purse and which gender of the human species should be requiring its services or it taught him to embrace his feminine side which is disgusting and repulsive. It's safe to say, we do not like both our unshallow conclusions.

Special Giveaway

Good news, lower life forms! Roax and I are feeling generous and are giving away 5 exclusive photos of us laughing at your pathetic lives! All you have to do is to complete the following statement with the correct answer.

Z. Hensun III is_________.

A) a new single from Justin Bieber.
B) your father's high school crush.
C) our ass
D) an overly tanned multicellular organism whose exact species is often the subject of arguments. Carries a red Nike bag to school and often suffers hallucinations of being good looking.


Here's a hint that is clearly not enough for you to answer this tough question.

Z. Hensun III

In addition, the first reader to submit the correct answer wins the chance to help us wash our diamond-encrusted boxers. Provide us with your house address (if you call that dump you live in a house) and we will mail them to you.

Submit your answers at the comments section or through Twitter by tagging Roax's account (https://twitter.com/ryan_kee96), followed by the answer and a hashtag (#iwantcleanboxers).

Winners will be announced when we feel like it. (between 2 days and 65 years) . 

Weekly Update 7/9/13

Hi peasants, here's an update on how fabulous our lives have been for the past week. As famous bloggers we were offered another sponsorship by one of the world's biggest fashion houses. You tasteless mugs have probably never heard of the world famous fashion designer Marco Pizzariodelavellacionnimacaroni.

Mr P.

  On Wednesday,we were particularly bored of being a couple of billionaires so we decided to experience how it feels like to live penniless lives. We boarded our private jet with our private pilot at the cockpit and set off to the Sahara Desert along with our pet donkey, Z. Hensun III. We attempted to communicate with the nomads but obviously failed as we don't speak Poor, but they did give us a place to stay. With no means of transportation but Z.Hensun III, we travelled under the hot sun for 2 minutes before we found oil and got richer. We bought the Sahara and converted it into our 50,000 acre wide bachelor pad. The nomads were hired as yoga instructors at a gym we made exclusively for Z. Hensun III.

Z. Hensun III' s eager face.